marriage – fields of poppies

3 thing April 12 – 2nd day of spring break – I’d rather be at the beach!!

So, day 1 I got sinus surgery and it’s a 3-5 day recovery with 2 weeks of no strenuous activity. I did this over spring break so as not to miss more time in my classroom since the repeated sinus infections that knocked me out so bad doc gave me a Covid test every time, kept me from my job on multiple occasions. Then I got Covid!!! So it’s been a very rough school year.

So here is my list of gratitude I am grateful for the surgeon and health care professionals that did an amazing job of calming my nerves, healing my pain, and giving me tender and full attention. Special shout-out to Chris, the recovery nurse that was generous with the pain meds but more importantly, started singing I am woman…how did she know?

I am grateful to have people to surround me with their love and care as I recover at home.

I am grateful that I call tell the pressure behind my eyes – the one that made them feel like they would just explode out of my face – well, it’s gone. Praise God.

On another note…

I was called selfish and a bad teacher this week by another teacher. I was told I lacked commitment to my students and criticized how much school I had missed, my lessons and instruction. Although she has never been in my room. Nonetheless, it really hurt my feelings. She is a friend. No conversation, no asking me if I’m ok or why my absences have been so many. (See sinus story above).

Hmmmm chronic illness… Choosing to take care of my physical, or mental health for that matter, is not selfish. It’s called self-care.

I have accepted that she was having a bad day, is overwhelmed by her job, and chose to lash out at me. Perhaps even something personal going on as well. Teaching is hard and very demanding and we tend to ignore our own needs ALL THE TIME. So I repeat, self care is not selfish.

Basically? We had a misscommunication as I failed to receive information about a student. That prompted the unprofessional email. Anyway – I’m disappointed she was not made to apologize or did not do it on her own accord – as she also sent this to 2 administrators. I was told it was handled and now it’s a personnel issue and they can’t tell me anything. They printed my email of concern and put it in the file of this incident Total cop out.

I don’t want to reply to her attack in kind. I thought about bringing her flowers and just saying – something is clearly upsetting your life and I hope whatever it is gets better for you .. and give her the flowers. Be the bigger person and give her. Chance to apologize. She’s a teacher – she’s under too much stress – she snapped and had a target that morning and unfortunately it was me. I can empathize. But I can’t accept the personal attack. Standing up for yourself is a part of self care. I cannot let it go unnoticed. She is my friend. This could be just what SHE needs.

I am grateful that I have grown is gratitude, grace, and peace and I hope to continue to help others grow as well. You are never alone. Ask for help. Reach out – someone will reach back.

Have a great day everyone. And be kind to one another. You never know what their struggles are.

#gratitude #3things #choosejoy #selfcare #bekind

Tuesday, March 15 – The Ides of March….3things

I have been really trying to focus on my mental health and healthy thoughts these past few weeks. It has been a real challenge. Hence – no daily posts.

I went to court on Feb 3rd and 4th after trying to negotiate my divorce for 2 and a half years with a person who lives in his own reality. That’s all I’ll say about him now – you’ll have to buy the book. I did not know the judge would take so long to make the final order…we are still waiting. Sooooo long.

“Beware the Ides of March” from Julius Caesar is in my head today. For those who don’t know – it’s when he is betrayed and stabbed to death. No, I don’t expect to be stabbed today – but I have already been betrayed, so there’s that.

It’s just that waiting for weeks upon weeks for a simple email to finally show up to officially end my 30 year relationship with a man I loved who stopped speaking to me even before I ever chose to leave for reasons I will never know or understand….well, it’s torturous. I don’t wish it on anyone. I truly wish the replay button in my head would malfunction.

One day at a time, one moment at a time – that’s how we get through.

Still, in my confusion and angst today I try to find my 3 things: I am grateful for all that I have and for God’s daily blessings. He is providing me with all that I need to heal – especially faith; I am grateful for my children and grand children – family and love – it’s why we are on this earth. I am sorry my husband could not see that; I am grateful that I am beginning to see my true potential. As I mentioned yesterday – it’s amazing what you can accomplish when you don’t have someone always telling you that you can’t, making you feel less than so he can feel more than. Just amazing.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and find joy and love with and in those around you. Support the ones you love and give lots of hugs….don’t ever be the first one to let go – fill their love bucket! They will let go once it’s filled. ❤️

#choosejoy #fightforit #3things #gratitude

NOT SO Daily 3 things

So, I have clearly struggled these past few days getting my daily gratitude out. I have thought about many things to write and about many things I am grateful for. However, my current mental state and life events have left me with back-handed, snarky gratitude that I did not think was healthy to put out into the universe….until now. Lol. tongue in cheek – I am grateful that I had the fortitude not to punch that flying monkey of a divorce attorney in the neck when she continued to suggest that I had 3 months in the summer in which I could work 40 hours a week and make a big impact on my salary. The nerve; I am grateful that I am strong, intelligent, and well spoken, particularly when others are condescending, dismissive, and manipulative. It’s how I survived the last 25 years; I am so terribly grateful that I do not have to go to bed tonight with a stoned drunkard passed out next to me, only after telling me I’m dead weight and worthless. #Iamenough. #covertnarcissistshidewell #choosejoy #gratitude #3things

I will do my best to reframe for a brighter post tomorrow and I am grateful to know that the power is within me to do so!

February 15, 2022

2-2-22 3 things

The day before it all goes down. The next 2 days I will be in a court room with my husband to cut the final threads of a 30 year trauma bond. It’s been almost a 2.5 year brutal journey. Tonight I am grateful that I spent the last 3 years learning how to turn my will over to my higher power because I truly am powerless over an alcoholic/addict. I thought I had learned that a long time ago, but I guess I forgot. Tonight I will rest well; I am grateful for the amazing people who surround me as I continue recovering from emotional and mental abuse. Tonight I will sleep well; but I am most grateful today that by dear friend, Bon Bon, did not suffer terribly through her recent bone biopsy. Tonight I will sleep well. Please pray for full remission for my dear friend. #choosejoy #gratitude #3things #moveforwardwithpurpose #justbringthetruth #iamenough

Love Bucket

Flowers!!! So, my husband brought daffodils to my classroom the other day. He had cut them fresh from our front yard and wanted to brighten my day. Needless to say, it worked.

Many different analogies cover relationships and how we balance ourselves, how we judge our contentment and happiness. I choose to go with the love bucket. Perhaps you saw that I referred to it in another post – Slushie to the Face. Anyway, it is very obvious. When you are treated with kindness and thoughtfulness, when your needs are placed in front of others – your bucket gets a scoop of lovin’. If your love bucket runs empty then you have no way of filling anyone else’s. And that really is the goal, isn’t it? To fill others with love?

I try very hard to fill the love buckets of those in my life. On this day, though – my husband really nailed it. I had commented on how pretty they looked in the front yard and even said the words…whose day could I make brighter tomorrow by bringing them some fresh, bright yellow flowers? I promise this was in no way a passive aggressive hint to my husband that I would like for him to bring them to me. That’s just not how I work; or how he does. In fact, until this day I would have told you that I had a much better chance of having flowers in my classroom if I just cut them for myself rather than wait for him to do it.

Let me explain – that is not a slam against him – it’s just now how he thinks, generally. I mean, if he cuts them, then they will die sooner. If he cuts them and removes them from the house, then we cannot enjoy them at home…where we spend most of our time together. I get it. They are planted there – they should stay there. Now, that’s how he thinks. That all just adds to the gesture.

Wow. Nice one, honey. To be surprised after all these years. Not just by the flowers, but by the change in perspective. My bucket runneth over. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to make me feel loved. These daffodils are way better than any store bought flowers because we grew them together – gross, right? The grosser the sentiment, the fuller the bucket – that’s just how the love bucket works. Have you handed out your scoop of lovin’ today?

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Slushie to the face!

Wow – what a way to end a brutal 10 work hour day. Tonight after a day of teaching, an afternoon of coaching, and an evening of parenting teenagers – my other half seemed to be having some philosophical questions as to the purpose, and perhaps futility, of parenting and vented them my way: “What does it matter? They are just going to do whatever they want when they get out on their own. None of this matters – they are who they are.” That was the gist.

My insides kind of imploded as I tried to understand the harsh feelings I was having in reaction to his comments. Don’t get me wrong. I, too, go to this dark place sometimes – wondering about the futility of it all…trying to ~~train~~ teach teenagers/children how to be responsible, productive citizens. How to teach them to be kind, generous, honest, and humble (and how to write an outline). I want them to learn how to take care of themselves without being selfish and I do my my very best to lead by example. But today I sort of needed a rock to lean on when I got home, and instead, I got a slushie in the face. All day today I stood in the library with high school students telling me that there were no books…that is a post for another day.

Now, I try to raise my students with all the love and patience I give my own children, but, of course, with the added dimension of trying to teach research skills and strategies – and boy do I fall short sometimes.

So – my husband did not say that I am worthless. Not those words. He is not responsible for my reaction to and interpretation of his words. And when I told him what I was hearing…that my whole life has been dedicated to teaching and raising children on the premise that they can be nurtured and molded and he is telling me that it is all for nothing (ie I am worthless)…well… ~~he felt badly and immediately stopped speaking, gave me a hug, and told me he loved me. He tried with all his might to fill the love bucket he had just accidentally kicked over.~~ he started laughing and went downstairs to bed. Ugh! Gracie!*

All people are the products of nature and nurture. The two are forever entwined. Some personalities clearly reside in nature and some abound with learned behaviors. Some bad and some good. If I did not believe in the effects of nurture I could not teach, nor would I have children. However – I also believe that most ~~kids~~ people are average – and that is okay. I do not need to raise the valedictorian, or the sport superstar, or the trophy winning whatever. You don’t need to be the next President, you don’t need to make a million dollars, and you don’t need to be famous to live. Have aspirations – but be grounded.

I want my kids to know love, family, and hope. I want them to know joy and have faith. I want them to experience life and not fear it – even the bad parts. I want them to find success – however it is defined. If they do these things then, really, they will be anything but average. As a parent, as a teacher – I can give them these things – show them how to find these things for themselves. Maybe along the way I can teach them to read, write, and make an argument. I have worth. Indeed, I have worth.

*Gracie is the name that I gave my marriage years ago. After having kids and realizing how much work motherhood is and what having a solid marriage requires, I decided to treat my marriage like one of my kids. I try to give it just as much attention as the other kids demand. It is easy to loose your spouse in the family, put date nights off, and fail to connect as you push through raising those little cherubs. By giving it a name – Gracie – it helps me to remember to treat my marriage with patience and love. Tonight, Gracie is in a time out!

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***Update: My husband totally redeemed himself the next morning. As I explained to him the day ahead included attending a softball game to watch my students play I followed it up with “I know, I know I could just say no”. To which he replied as he made the bed, without missing a beat, and with nothing but compassion, love, and understanding in his voice, “no you can’t, that’s why you are a such a great teacher”. What I heard: What you do matters.

home

According to Merriam-Webster: home (noun)

one’s place of residence
the social unit formed by a family living together
a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one’s domestic attention
a place of origin
an establishment providing residence and care for people with special needs
the objective in various games

Home 1. Piedmont, South Carolina; Home 2. With my mother, so I may never find it again. With my children – so it comes and goes as they do. With my husband, till death parts us; Home 3. Beavercreek, Ohio – my familiar setting; Home 4. Mishawaka, Indiana – from whence I hail; Home 5. all of the above – we all care for one another and each of us has special needs; Home 6. Home = base; a safe haven and hopefully, you can always go home again. Ghosts in the graveyard, flashlight tag…all memories of home base.

The heartfelt, real meaning of home…sitting by the fire, watching tv with the kids. Cooking dinner in the kitchen with the kids setting the table and telling me about their day. Washing their clothes, watching the onesies turn into ripped jeans and sweatshirts. Tucking them in at night, even as teenagers. Going over the best and the worst of the day at the dinner table. Kissing my husband goodbye every morning and hello every afternoon. Laughing with them all as we recall funny memories. Merely looking at my hands and seeing the hands of my mother and my daughter. Bickering children in the backseat of the car (I used to call my two youngest the Bickersons). Tears as best friends move away. Cuddling, hugs and kisses. Going to bed every night next to the man I love. These are home to me.

Recently I found myself far from my current address while my family remained. I experienced great nostalgia as I returned to the hometown of my childhood and adolescence. Strong memories of my parents and my older brothers flooded my head, exploding into feelings that ran the gamut of emotions. Mostly, the ultimate sense of comfort and knowing – knowing that I was loved, knowing that regardless of our dysfunction – love was in our home. During a moment of sadness, however, I longed for so many things from my youth, mostly my mom. The click-clack sound of my mother’s high heals out on the driveway as she left for work each morning, the warmth and comfort of her embrace, the smell of her Design perfume, the sound of her goofy Woody Woodpecker-like laugh, her sense of humor, and her model of undying loyalty. As my sorrowful memories began to make me feel alone in the world my youngest daughter sent to me the image to the left with the message “I took this for you because I know you like the sunset with the black trees”. HOME.

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