faith – fields of poppies

3 things of Gratitude on this 21st day of October…

I’m not going to be a total Debbie Downer, but I can’t let this day go by and not acknowledge that it is the day I convinced my mother to go into the hospital after a fall down the stairs. She had been in bed for the week with “the flu” but we were afraid she had had a stroke. Well – she never came home. Sadly, she died 10 weeks later. 10 weeks of agony with no diagnosis and incompetent medical care. The doctors asked for an autopsy bc they had no idea what killed her. Turns out God just didn’t want them to find the cancer that invaded every organ and every gland…her brain… her spinal cord. Her soul.

I was 22 and a single parent. She was 49 and my whole life. Just gone.

I’m now 53. 3 kids, 2 grandkids, and a full life. She gave me so much. I miss her all the time and wish she could see my kids – my angels. I know most people feel this way about their lost parents. I’m not unique.

So, on to the good stuff. I am grateful that I had 22 years with a woman who taught me acceptance, passion, integrity, unconditional love, authenticity, and persistence…ok stubbornness; I am grateful to have had a wonderful model to show me how to be the mother I wanted to be; I am grateful for the perfectly imperfect world in which I live and learn grace daily. #gratitude #3things #choosejoy #restinpeacebigA

Summer 2022 is almost gone but my to do list isn’t finished.

August 7, 2022

I am grateful that when I tore my ACL abroad that I did not break anything else the multiple times I fell as I continued to walk 5-7 miles a day. I tore it on the plane ride over, but when school starts it will be because… I tore my ACL in the Alps. Seriously – sidestepping my way to the window seat is just too… sad.

I am grateful for the support I had during that trip and here at home during surgery and this past week of recovery. A positive environment helps the healing and so far my healing has been awesome. Thank you.

I am grateful for grace and forgiveness. I will be even more grateful when I learn to give both to myself consistently, but I’m afraid I am still a work in progress in this area. So wonderful that others have mastered it and can teach me. I practice, but it’s very hard. It’s so easy to give to others but not to myself. I know I am not alone in this particular battle and struggle for growth as so many of us are so hard on ourselves. Still, I go to bed tonight with a grateful heart knowing that today I tried to be the best person I know how to be, that God loves me, and that my light still shines bright.

So, my to do list for summer 2022 remains with many items yet to be done. I shall use this as a challenge to myself to try to maintain some balance in my life as a teacher. You see my to do list was not filled with chores, but with adventures and new things to try. I don’t have to wait until summer 2023 – and for that I am grateful.

#choosejoy #3things #gratitude #aclsurgery #grace #forgiveness #travel

July ? 3 things – it is summer and I’m a teacher…

I am grateful that my trip abroad with students and parents finally happened and we had a successful educational experience.

A hilltop in Belgium where the American Memorial stands to honor the soldiers that liberated Belgium in WWII.

The precision of the American cemetery. Chilling.

I am grateful for the roof over my head and the home I have built for myself, but I have really been missing my house and my outdoor space. I pray real estate prices come down so this teacher can afford to buy a house. I am grateful I have enough – because I do…I have enough. I don’t need a house – I want a house, and I am grateful to know the difference.

I am grateful for the two little angels I spent the weekend with. They surely have my heart…just when I didn’t think I’d give it away ever again – God tricked me and sent me grandchildren. The sweetness, the innocence, the joy and laughter are all so uplifting and life-affirming.

I decided to put this photo of me as a child on my phone to remind myself who I really am. I, too, am a precious gift from God. This photo was kept in my daddy’s wallet until the day he died. ❤️

#3things #gratitude #choosejoy #bertramtravels

May I Return to my 3 things.

May 1, 2022

This weekend I watched my friend of 23 years say goodby to her husband within 10 days of a cancer diagnosis. Total shock.

Experience, strength, and hope – these are the 3 things I am grateful for tonight as I put my head on my pillow, because they are what my friends, what my people, offer me to hold me up. And it’s usually provided with a bucket of faith. I am grateful for my health and my healing so that I can, in turn, hold up others.

#choosejoy #gratitude #3things

April 6, 2022 Gratitude should be spoken.

Today. Hmmmm – today the Lord gave me breath and pushed me out of my bed. I am grateful. Today I had food to eat for breakfast and a car to drive to a job (after a hot shower and fresh clean clothes attained) I am grateful. Today my feelings were hurt. It’s was shocking and made me hide in the corner so as not to show my tears. I am grateful for the friend that stood and listened and the other friend who offered a hug – not because she heard us talking but because she could tell I was upset and she cares about me. I am grateful. I listened to a play with students who don’t like to read aloud. I am grateful for the actors who recorded the words. I went to my second job after a faculty meeting and I was grateful to have a colleague inquire as to my health and day, rather than just walk by saying nothing. I am grateful. I did my job and was told thank you for being here and I heard the genuine gratitude in her voice. I am grateful. I got to enjoy a lovely dinner out with a lovely friend who shares many experiences with me. I am grateful God allowed us to find one another in all this chaos. My son called me. I am grateful. My daughter called me. I am grateful. I worry about the person who hurt my feelings today, who lashed out irrationally and unprovoked. I will pray for her tonight and I am grateful that it is my choice to decide how this will affect me. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts and it ruined my day because until now I thought this person was my friend. I believe she still is but perhaps needs some grace and prayer. I am grateful that I have the power and strength to give her mine, my grace and prayer. I’m in my bed now. I’m grateful for the comfort of my pillow for it has been a difficult and long day. I am grateful for my life. For my mistakes. For my loves. For my losses. For my wins – I am grateful for me. Finally, I am grateful for the medicine I take at night that keeps me healthy. This world is so crazy – speak your gratitude.

3 things: forgiveness; grace; prayer #choosejoy #gratitude #3things

Friday – oh Friday

Today’s 3 things: I am grateful it is Friday and am still alive – what a week; I am trying so hard to be grateful for the patience Hod is trying to teach me…I learned yesterday my final order will be at least another 2-3 weeks. He’s trying to show me how to let go and let Him and I am really, really, really trying. seriously; I am grateful for my brain. I often rely on my intellect when I should rely on my spirituality but I am still grateful for brain that God gave me!

#choosejoy #3things #gratitude #neverendingdivorce #onedayatatime

Tuesday, March 15 – The Ides of March….3things

I have been really trying to focus on my mental health and healthy thoughts these past few weeks. It has been a real challenge. Hence – no daily posts.

I went to court on Feb 3rd and 4th after trying to negotiate my divorce for 2 and a half years with a person who lives in his own reality. That’s all I’ll say about him now – you’ll have to buy the book. I did not know the judge would take so long to make the final order…we are still waiting. Sooooo long.

“Beware the Ides of March” from Julius Caesar is in my head today. For those who don’t know – it’s when he is betrayed and stabbed to death. No, I don’t expect to be stabbed today – but I have already been betrayed, so there’s that.

It’s just that waiting for weeks upon weeks for a simple email to finally show up to officially end my 30 year relationship with a man I loved who stopped speaking to me even before I ever chose to leave for reasons I will never know or understand….well, it’s torturous. I don’t wish it on anyone. I truly wish the replay button in my head would malfunction.

One day at a time, one moment at a time – that’s how we get through.

Still, in my confusion and angst today I try to find my 3 things: I am grateful for all that I have and for God’s daily blessings. He is providing me with all that I need to heal – especially faith; I am grateful for my children and grand children – family and love – it’s why we are on this earth. I am sorry my husband could not see that; I am grateful that I am beginning to see my true potential. As I mentioned yesterday – it’s amazing what you can accomplish when you don’t have someone always telling you that you can’t, making you feel less than so he can feel more than. Just amazing.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and find joy and love with and in those around you. Support the ones you love and give lots of hugs….don’t ever be the first one to let go – fill their love bucket! They will let go once it’s filled. ❤️

#choosejoy #fightforit #3things #gratitude

Monday, Monday 3 things

February 28, 2022 – I am grateful that today I felt energized after work for, probably, the first time in 2022. I have been sick or just run down all of 2022 so far. So, today was a good day – serene – and the weather was nice enough, too for a long silent walk. Ahhhh; I am grateful today for God knowing who to put in my path and exactly when to do it. Blessed are the angels; I am grateful for the excitement on the faces of former students when they see me unexpectedly out in the world. It’s fun. Thank you for this day.

#choosejoy #3things #gratitude

2-2-22 3 things

The day before it all goes down. The next 2 days I will be in a court room with my husband to cut the final threads of a 30 year trauma bond. It’s been almost a 2.5 year brutal journey. Tonight I am grateful that I spent the last 3 years learning how to turn my will over to my higher power because I truly am powerless over an alcoholic/addict. I thought I had learned that a long time ago, but I guess I forgot. Tonight I will rest well; I am grateful for the amazing people who surround me as I continue recovering from emotional and mental abuse. Tonight I will sleep well; but I am most grateful today that by dear friend, Bon Bon, did not suffer terribly through her recent bone biopsy. Tonight I will sleep well. Please pray for full remission for my dear friend. #choosejoy #gratitude #3things #moveforwardwithpurpose #justbringthetruth #iamenough

February 1, 2022

Today’s 3 things: I am grateful for the people in my life who remind me of my value and my strength when I forget; I am grateful that I am learning how to let go of things I cannot control; I am grateful to be so lucky to have two darling little angels that call me Mammaw. I spent the weekend with them and they definitely filled my love bucket. The giggles- oh the giggles. #choosejoy #3things #gratitude